Liquid Technique

“Yes, no child was born out of wedlock, but that doesn’t change the fact that he slept with all those women!” Lilia the frothy bitch pauses then wipes spittle off her chin, ignoring her habit of spitting while making impassioned pronouncements. Years of prosecuting in the Supreme Court have suffused her salivary glands with righteousness, causing them to shoot out of her mouth when she writhes with accusation.

I bite into my tuna sandwich, giving my own glands something to shut them up. Lilia continues. “He’s almost 70 years old! Think about that! He must’ve broken his wife’s heart! Never mind that she’s dead!”

I put down my sandwich and light a cigarette. Lilia continues. “And don’t get me started on those women. Whores—all of them! Oh My God, he’s old enough to be their grandfather!”

I interrupt her, my interest finally piqued. “How old were these girls?”

Lilia leans back into her chair, bile rising up from within her, gathering momentum. She snaps forward, elbows on the table, throwing me an Oh My God You Want To Know I’ll Tell You with whipped spittle on top.

“I’ll tell you, Jon—you know Kathy’s age?”

“Um, how old is she, 23?”

“TWENTY THREE! Oh My God! Twenty. Three. All these women he bedded? All that age, at the time of consummation!”

Lilia leans closer, showing me the fire in her eyes, an immense conflagration, as if lit by my participation in this one-sided conversation, when I know for a fact that she doesn’t need any nudging to get into this state. “And do you know what he said in his defense, Jon? Do you?”

I say No, I Don’t, rolling my eyes in sarcasm.

“He said Love! Oh My God! Love! How dare he!”

By this time, I’m already drenched in Lilia’s spit, tired of Oh My Gods and just about ready to throw my sandwich at her, when my mobile rings. I put it to my ear, waving a finger at Lilia so that she stops.

“Yes? Speaking. Uh huh. No, I’m with Lilia. Yes, I’m on my way, I’m just having lunch. Yes, I know that they’re waiting, but...no, no, you had me work on the case through lunch, so I’m only taking it now. Yes, James. Yes. Yes. No. Yes, I’m done. I’m going, okay? I’m going now. Bye.”

I pocket my mobile and Lilia has that look on her face, that irritated look she gets when she’s interrupted in the middle of an argument. “You’re going now?”

“Sorry, Lilia. James wants me to head over now. I’m late as it is.”

“Now?”

“Look, Lilia, I’ll see you again later, we’ll finish your story, okay?”

“You always do this. Bastard.”

“No I don’t, and you know what, look, I’ll even pay for the bill this time so you don’t feel so bad. Okay?”

“Go on ahead. You’re late. I’ll pay for the bill myself. Asshole.”

“God! You can be such a bitch, Lilia!” And ‘bitch’ flies across the table, covered with spit, and landing on her cheek. Her eyes grow wide and her face grows red. I hastily get up, slinging my laptop bag over my shoulder.

She starts to shout obscenities at me as I head for the door, and I roll my eyes again, knowing full well that she’ll have forgotten all about this by tonight, after I’ve called home to tell my wife that I’ll be busy with work, headed over to Lilia’s place and slept with the frothy bitch. Ptooey!